Daughter - A Gift of Love

Today I met Venkat Uncle in the lift carrying Jholas of veggies and fruits, his wife who is his perennial partner for veggie shopping was missing. I asked him “Where is Aunty , Venkat Uncle?”.

“Aunty not well, sleeping, full fever, full cold, all night coughing. I wash house, kitchen, clothes, now I make curry. Without Aunty very difficult life for me.” As he stepped out of the lift managing his jholas I told him not to hesitate if he needed any help.

It reminded me of the days when Mummy would come to visit me and brother, Papa used to have a very tough time – it was not just kitchen but everything starting from morning tea , maids, clothes, calls from relatives, calls from children, taking care of Bibi, making sure the bedsheets are changed, paying everyone’s salary on time and what not revolves around Mummy. All this apart from the intangible emotional involvement she has in our lives. Such an important role a woman has to play and still in many places the society fails to give them the respect they should get and many times get rid of them even before they are born.

Dil bharda……..

kukh vich na maar maaye, tenu dekhan da jee karda

Chidi boldi………….

Godi vich chak baabla, main naa teri pagg roldi

Vajdi Ghadoli…….

Soni pagg ban veera, ajj tor tu meri doli

Khanke kangna…..

Booha khol, Main tere ghar aayee saajna

I cannot thank Waheguru ji enough that I was born to such loving parents, who brought me up like their son. There was no such privilege which I was kept away from. Infact compared to my brother, I have always had a bigger share of everything. I had more clothes in my wardrobe, my education was more expensive than my brother’s, a bowl of Matar Paneer is always kept separately for me coz that is my favorite and I won’t share it with anyone, Papa gifted me a car before my brother got one and so much more that couple of pages are too few to mention - I am everyone’s Laadli in the family.

Till now I thought girls of my generation and similar families would not have any different life than mine. But I realized I was wrong when I met Jeeti, my loving friend from school days and more surprisingly to see that a woman was responsible for her own demise.

 Jeeti, the only child of her parents, got married, as the tradition holds, into another Business-wali family. Gurmeet, her husband is very educated and DEGREEfied – well known Doctor. A posh house in Sector 21 Chandigarh and three hospitals doing extremely well, very reputed family in the Punjabi Circle - what else would you want? A son. Nope not just a healthy child, but a son.

Jeeti, morosely narrated how she was under so much stress from her in-laws who wanted to have a grandson. After she relieved her mind’s agony, she said “Neet, I am going to send this letter to my mother in law, hope she will get some sense of what she is doing after reading this.” The letter read: 

"

Dear Mummyji,

I tried pleading, explained you how it was ok that I am also a girl and the only child to my parents, and that you were born a woman too – but nothing seems to budge your desire for a grandson.  

I am happy, at-least Gurmeet, is supporting me and his support is my strength. I think his righteous nature comes from Daddy ji – the Y chromosome is playing well. I am wondering what traits he would have picked up from your X chromosome in his XY combination.

And think a little more – If I have a son, he would have my X and Gurmeet’s Y , your grandson would not have anything from you.  Your legacy ends at Gurmeet.

Only If I have a girl – Gurmeet’s X would carry your legacy.

This also means you should have prayed for a daughter, who would have probably passed your inheritance. Since you missed that chance at-least now pray for a grand-daughter so that something of you is passed forward.

Jeeti.

“

After I heard her, for a couple of seconds I was awkwardly stupefied. I just realized – Oh yes – the grandson doesn’t carry the X from father’s side. Barring the details of how chromosomes work -

Tell me Bebeji – why do you want Pota only? Even if it is a girl it is fine !

At this moment to my mind comes the picture of a young girl “Her name was Neerja Bhanot and she died a hero”.  There is no dearth of Neerjas, Kalpana Chawlas, PT Ushas, Kiran Bedis, Chhavi Rajawats  and so many such names of women who have made their family and country proud then why should the society shy of having girl child.

Gurbani says:

“ਸੋ ਕਿਉ ਮੰਦਾ ਆਖੀਐ ਜਿਤੁ ਜੰਮਹਿ ਰਾਜਾਨ ॥“(why call her bad? From her, kings are born.)

“ਭੰਡਹੁ ਹੀ ਭੰਡੁ ਊਪਜੈ ਭੰਡੈ ਬਾਝੁ ਨ ਕੋਇ ॥“(From woman, woman is born; without woman, there would be no one at all)

Mera Punjab !!!

Rangala Punjab, Mera Rangala Punjab

Jithe Soni Mutiyaaraan Da Roop Lajawab

Uche,Lambe Gabru Di Sardaari Nawab

Pakke Makki Di Roti Te Saro Da Saag

Jithe Sajda Gidhha Te Bhangre Da Ruwaab

Rangla Punjab Mera Rangla Punjab

Nowadays my mom is in Punjab , today when I was talking to my Mom in the morning (the usual status update call to family) I could hear on the phone , from the other side , the peacocks coo.

I have been many times to my pind (village) when I was younger - it used to be a royal feeling . What I thought was someone else’s house was actually a part of our house where Majj (buffaloes) were kept – they were milked early morning  and Bibi (Grandmother) would churn  makhan (butter) out of it with the traditional Madaani. After finishing all household chores women would gather in our Vehda (open garden in front of the house) talking about their husbands and brothers who by then would have left to the Khet (farms). This is where Bhangra was born when tall and handsome Gabru celebrated the harvest of their hard work , this is where Gidhha was born when Bibiyaan of the house would gather flaunting and taunting  specially during season of monsoon- “Teej Diyaan Teeya”.

Narrow lanes where door of every house  opened  into the lane , so many winters, when, in one house Saag and Roti was cooked while all children played Stapu and Gilli danda, the men talked about Badal Sarkaar and women waited for the harvest to buy their new set of Patiala suit and Jutti.

 The Pendu and the Patola made beautiful couples, the marriages where Bandook had to be fired, the Vehda where Bibi and Baapuji sat in the morning having tea after their routine Paath , the tractors parked in one side of the Kothi starting early morning to the Khet helping the men sow seeds of Saro (mustard) and Kanak (wheat) in our 40 kille zameen.  Waheguru ji– such royalty you had bestowed on Punjab.

Ajj Suna Hai Punjab , Mera Sunna Hai Punjab

Gabru Chad Gaye Canada De Jahaaj

Rang Birangi Fulkaariyaan Da Reha Ni Rewaaz

Na Gidhhe Di Rounak , Na Bhangre Di Awaaz

Sunniyaan Ne Kothiyaa, Bandeyaa Di Ghaat

Na Bibi Diyaan Loriyaan Na Bapuji Di Daat

Jeb Vich Chitta Te Duldi Sharaab

Sunna Hai Punjab Mera Sunna Hai Punjab

The pind has become empty, Sardaars have left for Canada  in the hope of making more money and having a better life style. The pind is full of huge Kothis but no one stays there to live the royalty – what is left behind is bricks and some “Bhaiyye” (caretakers) to take care of the Kothi. Bhangra and Gidhha have now become limited to College Competition , Mr. Punjab and Miss Punjaban shows.

My parents suggested I invest some money in real estate in Punjab – when I logged into 99acres and magicbricks I saw ads of agricultural land held up for sale and making them more lucrative were terms like “Agricultural/Farm Land for Sale in Ludhiana Jalandhar National Highway - The property is situated near nh 1, ( Ludhiana to jalandhar road), It is fit for commercial, Residential, Farm houses, two factories near it are already running. A no. Of new kothies, Banglows etc. have been constructed in the surrounding area.”  There are no more early mornings with Chamkeela on full volume, not many Jatts are seen going to their Khet , not many Mutiyaars are seen walking to the Khet with food for their men. Farming land is being sold off for commercial purposes - the green velvet that once covered the land of five rivers is today covered with “Chitta”.( http://www.tribuneindia.com/2014/20140603/main6.htm) If our farmers keep getting exported to Canada and Amreeka the day is not far when we will have to import wheat from Canada. Dabbing some thanks to our Punjabi singers who have made us relive the old Punjab at least emotionally and gave back life to those lost narrow lanes, Boliyaan, Chaadre and Kurte.

I am very poor with Finance and Economics so I don’t know how the ecosystem works, I know there are problems – government is not supportive, it is a risky business etc etc. but this is the situation – everyone wants a Bhagat Singh to be born to fight on behalf of us, but no mother wants his son to be the Bhagat Singh. He should be born to neighbors and we just want to enjoy the benefits. I fall in the same bracket unfortunately, I chose a techie life because what I am doing now is called progressive. We have so many software professionals passing out each day but hardly any agriculture engineers, we have so many food startups – making and delivering food, which is good, but very less innovation on growing food. I am not sure how this can be rectified – so I type here, complain, feel nostalgic and pray:

ਸਿੱਖਾਂ ਦਾ ਮਨ ਨੀਵਾਂ, ਮਤ ਉੱਚੀ ਮਤ ਦਾ ਰਾਖਾ ਆਪਿ ਵਾਹਿਗੁਰੂ। (May the minds of all the Sikhs remain humble and their wisdom exalted; O God! You are the protector of wisdom.)

ਨਾਨਕ ਨਾਮ ਚੜ੍ਹਦੀ ਕਲਾ, ਤੇਰੇ ਭਾਣੇ ਸਰਬੱਤ ਦਾ ਭਲਾ। (O God! through the True Guru Nanak, may Your Name be exalted, and may all prosper according to your will.)

Finding The Guy - The Khandaan Effect !!!

Simmi and me are at that juncture of life where many are talking about, asking us, taunting us, some taking pity on us , some feeling jealous of us, some happy for us, suggesting us or bitching about us still being single !!

"Enni Der, now she won't find anyone"  

"I think she has a secret affair, how can she stay single for so long"           

"She wasted her time studying and making career - this was bound to happen"

"She had so many nakhre, aa nai chahida, o nai chahida, hun baithee aa"

"One has to compromise, you don't get everything in one guy"

"Girls should get married before 25 then they learn to adjust in another family"

"At this age Meri Jasleen had 2 kids, when will she marry and when will she have kids......Huh !! "

"Hale tak not married ??  Bechaaarrriiii  "

While Simmi and me were standing outside the Gurudwara shops checking out the new jutti stall , she was telling me how upset her neighbour aunt was because Simmi said NO to neighbour aunty's sister-in-law's son's proposal. 

Neet: Hehe, Good you said no. I have seen that guy, he doesn't look good with you. You are so pretty - Uncha Lamba Jatt chahida tere naal.

Simmi: Neet, Apniyaan families vich you know how decisions are taken - unanimously - mera Jatt gets rejected by chachaji, taayaji, Mamaji and brothers. He doesn't even reach me (giggles). 

See this is how it goes:

 

 Daddyji (Bishan Singh) says "The boy's family should be have a reputed transport company. What will I say in my friend's circle at Gurudwara. Pind vich ki moo dikhaunga" 

Beji (Raaji) says "Munde di daadi should wear full sleeves suit , lace wali chunni , golden frame de chashmei - these are nishaani of good khaandaan " 

Bibi (Sant) is a Bollywood fan and is very fond of all punjabi munde in bollywood. She says to Bade Papaji (Nihal Singh) "Saadi Simmi is no less than any filmi kudi. We should talk to Kapoors - Shaaed (Shahid) , Ranveer and Arjun are my favourite but Shaaed is short naale suneya osne bya kara leya. We should talk to Ranveer's family. Kade ni mana karde - I am telling you Sardaarji"

 Dr. Sandhu and Reet Chachi are doctors in Ludhiana and they say "MBBS nu koi nahi puchhda, Munda should be DM or surgeon"

Bir Chacha owns couple gas stations in Canada, he says "Kudiye, we are searching for a solid taxiwali yaan hotelwali family".

Jinder chachi says "Simmi da husband should be atleast 6 feet, rajda khanda jatt hove so that he looks good when he stands next to her brothers"

Pammi Bhua and Ravi Fufadji are very religious and say "Peen -khaan wala munda na hove, boy should be simple - who takes waheguru's name just like our Happy"

 Dr. Sidhu and Nimmi Maamiji - veterinary doctor, has treated celebrity's dogs says "Munde kol Labrador is a must. Je Munda houga shaukeen taan rakhun dogs di team. But no dogs?? Meri wallo complete NO. "

Manju Maasi and Raj Maasad ji who is IAS officer says "Munda should be from officer class, Bayee ji Laal Batti has a different style statement, wakhri taur"

 

Aman Chachaji is into property dealing, he says to my dad "Bayee ji, Kamaal karde o , here Jatts are cutting colonies and living lavish life then why should we send our Simmi to Canada and Amreeka."

Preet Chachi says "Simmi, Mera favourite colour pink aa, and we will do pink theme wedding".

Sarab Maamaji and Jassi Maami are settled in New York, own a truck company, they say "We have TRALLEY so munda for Simmi should have atleast HUMMER or LAMBORGHINI.”

 My Brothers say "He should have a BULLET motorcycle, He should know Bhangra - putt jattan de bulaunde bakre koi aake mai da lal takre , thoda bahut peg-sheg wala hove, pagg only patiala shahi otherwise na hove etc etc etc ......."

My Parents say "We are tired of searching, find one on your own and get married"

So many people are trying to find a guy for me but hale tak koi gall nahi bani. relatives.com, shaadi.com, jeevansaathi.com, punjabimatrimony.com, neighbouraunty.com, kittyparties.com, papa_da_businesscircle.com all of these have failed. Hun mainu lagda I have to put up a profile and forward my application to babaji.com.

ਜੋ ਮਾਗਹਿ ਠਾਕੁਰ ਅਪੁਨੇ ਤੇ ਸੋਈ ਸੋਈ ਦੇਵੈ ॥ (The Lord gives whatever is asked from Him)

ਨਾਨਕ  ਦਾਸੁ ਮੁਖ ਤੇ ਜੋ ਬੋਲੈ ਈਹਾ ਊਹਾ ਸਚੁ ਹੋਵੈ ॥੨॥੧੪॥੪੫॥ (Whatever Nanak, the servant, speaks from his mouth becomes true here and hereafter)

Neet: (Laughing) "You are lucky, you have so many people who care for you. But what about you? What kind of a guy do you want?"

Simmi: (laughing) "I have CRAZY DEMANDS"

Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life ...

Simmi likes to mimic everyone and while we were waiting for langar to be served she started telling me about this conversation she had with her mom on Saturday.

Simmi:“Neet, Yesterday I was trying to help Mom out and listen what happened"

Shanivaar,9:30 am:

Simmi: Hello Paapa. 

Paapa: Hanji Betaji. Sab thik thak?

Simmi: Hanji Paapa. Everything is good. You doing good? Where is Mom?

Paapa: I am ironing my 1000 rupee notes – thanks to your Mom. She is dealing with the maids. Let me call her. 

Background: "Sukhhhhhiiii, Sukhhhhhhiiiii.....Chheti aa. Simmi is on the phone. Whenever there is need for you to be around you are always away. Come soon. "

“I have to wash clothes, cook, clean the house - I have 100 other things to look into."

"For everything you have maids and helpers and still you complain you have to do work. My money is wasted on maids and still you are not happy. Let them go then. At least it will save me money"

"Gardner has come, he is asking for money to put some new plants, go talk to him."

Mommy: Hellooooo

Simmi: Hello Mommy, Ki haal chaal?

Mommy: Everything is fine here Puttarji. You woke up? Had tea?

Simmi: Hanji Mommy, sab thik thak.

Mommy: Maid came? Is she working properly, saaf safai naal, coming on time?

Simmi: Hanji Mommy. Tusi Hor Sunao ? What were you doing?

Mommy: Is there a single day in my life where your Baapu will let me live comfortably. No !! He won’t help me in anything , to top it will bring five other friends home for Lunch and keeps ordering  aa banalo, oo banalo. 

 Today when I was putting clothes to dry, I saw a 1000 rupee note lurching out of the back pocket and then 4 more were inside.  I asked him how this came here. Mainu kende "Teri galti aa, you should have checked pockets before washing".

Simmi go ask him what is there in his pockets that I will have to check ? Every time I go to the mall with him he will say I have only 500 rupees, can’t shop more, when I buy some extra veggies he will say “Spending money is your hobby”. What is there to check in the pockets?

 I have spent whole of my life begging him for money. I do all the household work, so what if there are maids, they don’t do it on their own, one has to run after them. All my life working for his house I got back problem, blood pressure and now don't know what else is yet to come my way.

If the story ended here I would have still told myself "Sukhi - It is ok. Rabb da naam lela" but it doesn’t end here. Yesterday Pammi bhua called and said we are coming to visit you and your Baapu happily said “You will be staying with us no matter what.” She is coming with her husband, kids, in laws  - there will be 10 people in the house. Who will do the arrangement for their khatirdaari? Sukhi obviously, 37 years back this is what he married me for. Simmi I am telling you, in my father's house your Jasbir Maami (Mom's sister in law) doesn’t pour a drop of water in the glass to drink. In that house there is nothing that happens without her permission. And here look at me I am ........tuuuuu tuuuuu tuuuuu (phone disconnects - network problem)

Shanivaar, 9:50 a.m.

Simmi: Hello Papa

Paapa: Hanji Betaji. Phone got disconnected. Mummy is saying that she will call you after sometime. She is on another line talking to Pammi Bhua.

Simmi: Papa, are they coming to visit us? They are gonna stay with us for some time?

Paapa: Yes yes, I insisted they stay with us. She is coming with her family. 

Simmi: Papa, I think you should be more considerate towards mom. It is difficult for her to handle it all on her own. I hope you are not taking her for granted. 

Paapa: Achaaaaa, Okkkkkkk, I will talk to her.

Shanivaar, 11:00 a.m.

Mommy: Hellooooo

Simmi: Hanji Mommy. Hogi gall Pammi Bhua naal? All ok?

Mommy: Yea yea, she is fine. O sab chhad. What did you tell Paapa?

Simmi: About what?

Mommy: About what? You told your father that he has to take care of me. Now you will teach your Baapu how to handle things.

Simmi: No Mom, I was just…

Mommy: You kids, staying away from home , earning little money , become very smart. Now you can say anything to parents. You know how much your father loves you. Every day he will ask me “Simmi da phone aaya”, If you don’t call in evening, he will ask “Is Simmi fine. Aaj phone nahi aaya “ and you lecture him? This is how you speak to your Dad? Durr Fitte Moo

Simmi: I thought you were….

Mommy: Don’t speak now. Bahut zubaan aagi moo vich. Your father has made so many FDs in bank so that children will use it later and enjoy life. He has brought another flat in Ludhiana, he said "We will gift this to Simmi". All this he is doing to hear lecture from you ? Yesterday I made Alu Gobhi – and Paapa was missing his kids because Alu Gobhi is your favorite. When you were kid , we made special arrangement for milkman to give cream-rich milk delivered to house early morning and paid him 100 rupees extra in those days. You know in those days what was the value of 100  rupees.

Simmi: Mom I thought you were upset with Pammi Bhua co…….

Mommy: What Pammi Bhua? Hain? What Pammi Bhua? Last time when we went to Patiala you know she took me to the famous market where I bought 6 punjabi juttis. She didn’t let me pay a single penny. She said “Penji, you are like my sister”. When you were born she gave 500 rupees and gold earrings for you as shagan, and for your brother’s Lohri she gave him a gold chain. Pammi and I were dancing Giddha on your brother’s Lohri and everyone in the locality was so jealous seeing our clothes – I was wearing the fulkari Pammi brought from Patiala. What wrong has Pammi done to you?

Simmi: I was just trying to help you. I thought…

Mommy: Very good puttar ji. Giving lecture to your Dad is very good help. Haina? Enough.

Simmi: Ok. M Sorry.

Mommy: Hun Sorry yaad aagi ? Breakfast kar leya?

Simmi: I just had tea. Will have something now.

Mommy: You only know how to give lecture on time. Why don’t you eat and sleep on time. Now go eat. We will talk in evening. “

I wish I could capture her expressions in the blog which added to the jocosity. By the time Simmi finished we were served with garam garam pooriyaann , chhole and kheer. Despite all the daily bickering that her parents go through Simmi had immovable faith in their relationship and said “Neet, I pray to babaij that when I get married I have a partnership with my husband just like the one between my parents – so honest, faithful and spicingly loving that even their children cannot come in between”. Relishing the kheer she sang :

“Chitteh chawl jina ne punn kite 

Rabb ne banayeeyan jodian “

I am just going to put an "out of order" sticker on my forehead for weekends !!!

Hello Everyone !! Hope you all are doing fine – almost two years after my last post I thought I will write again.

With my usual and regular Sunday trips to Gurudwara I happened to make a very good friend – Simmi. She is also regular with her Sunday visits and while doing “parshaade di sewa (making rotis for langar) ” we got to know each other. I think I know much more about her than she knows about me – because she is a chatter box. She is tall, good looking, smart and very independent. In many ways I learnt from her - how to be fearless and sometimes her overtly bold nature surprises me.

While we were making rotis , her phone screen flashing “Office Calling” was enough to trigger her.

Simi said………….

“ Neet (as she lovingly calls me) , I am so upset and frustrated, as frustrated as..........as......as the fire drill alarm of my office who like me gets once-in-a-while opportunity to blow itself out of proportion. KEYDING :) !

After all these Hi-Fi studies , #BEING HUMAN and living a normal life has become a privilege. These people need to understand – I am not superwoman who will fly across nations and get clients for them. I was a just another next door girl who was bored of her job, thought of doing MBA to make more money and explore something new. But Managerji says  “We expect a lot from you”. I say “ I also expect lot from you, I expect you give me lot of money. Lekin nai de rahe na? Buss fer……Chupp kar jo…..huh”

The most tiring part is working on weekends - 1 weekend - urgent document? ok.  another weekend - Manager ji meeting client - sales ppt? ok. And then the routine sets in - you are working every weekend. 

  

Manager ji: Can you work on Saturday and PLAN to finish this ppt. for the Monday meeting. 

Simmi (Official) : Ummm I am already working on document X, and we have deliverable Y for review and I have to co-ordinate with onshore to get the database in place for project Z which needs to kick off soon. I will have to highlight ppt work as a risk - since there is bandwidth issue.

Simmi (TruEmotion): Nai karna ! karla jo karna !! why don’t you PLAN giving me work in a better way? Kitho kitti MBA? Did they not teach you PLANNING? Huh......'Tangiyaanch jinna langna si langeya , hun aun wala time employeeee daaaaa' Hehe. Randhawa and Fateh da Gaana suneya

Simmi: And listen to another one Neet.........

Manager ji: How does Weekend look for you? Do you have any plans?

Simmi: Ummm, the usual house chores which take my time and I might have to step out for a while.

Manager ji: Ok . so you don't have any major plans - which is good .......can you figure out this data issue and let me know by Saturday Night. I need to revert ASAP to the client. 

Simmi (Official): Let me see what I can do. I have busy weekends so I can’t promise. 

Simmi ( TruEmotion): Achaaaaa.....so If i am not going out for movie, not going shopping or I am not married and loaded with marital duties - I am freee??? Sun la fer - I have to wash week load of clothes, change bed sheets, work with maid and monitor her jhadu, pocha, bartan which are ignored otherwise due to hurried weekday office tyaari, buy groceries, catch up with sleep and go to the beauty parlor because for the last so many weekends I haven’t time to go there and today I am like a walking forest. Huh......Kar lo Gall !!!!

Anyways despite all this and more I am sticking to my job. Thank you Babaji that I have a job which gives me satisfaction that I am doing something fruitful in life, to make plans on what to achieve next year, pay my bills, eat outside when I want to , shop mindlessly, gift my friends and family with all the goodies, drive to some place - called office - in the morning, wear nice clothes, meet my office friends, have tea with them , do charcha, think about numerous start-up ideas, annul them and yet get back to work :).  "

By the time she finished we both were laughing our heart out,  not realizing we made 20-25 rotis. Thanking babaji that he has given us something to complain about, we silently listened to the Granthi reading The Gurbani:

ਝ ਮਨ ਮੇਰਿਆ ਤੂ ਸਦਾ ਰਹ ਹਰਿ ਨਾਲੇ ॥ (O my mind, remain always with the Lord.)

ਹਰਿ ਨਾਲਿ ਰਹ ਤੂ ਮੰਨ ਮੇਰੇ ਦੂਖ ਸਭਿ ਵਿਸਾਰਣਾ ॥ (Remain always with the Lord, O my mind, and all sufferings will be forgotten.)